I want to believe

I was raised in a staunchly, ever-increasingly religious home. Despite attending a fairly dogmatic, evangelical church, my parents believed because they studied and came to their own conclusions. They never believed because they were told to; they read scriptures, interpreted, listened and formed their own conclusions. And then imparted those upon us as fact. In fairness, they would later encourage us to come to our own conclusions, but from the time we could understand religion, we were taught theirs. To my mother's delight, I did study Christianity, deeply. To her dismay, I do not reach the same conclusion she had. I'm retrospectively certain my dissent must have begun when I realized the inherent dissonance between Jesus loving everyone, but being willing to condemn someone to hell for an eternity for not believing in him for a few years on earth. And depending on the sect, you could end up burning forever for much less - anything from being jealous of your neighbor, to screwing another dude, to cheating on a test. I was once taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as committing it. And then I remember thinking, which I'm sure must have fallen high on the sin scale, that if the thought is just as bad as the action, then why not just act?!

The rift expanded when members of my former congregation got so upset at their pastor for not stepping down to Associate-Minister and allowing the current Associate to become the Senior, that they excommunicated him. EXCOMMUNICATED?! That's still a thing? Imagine if NBC had excommunicated Jay Leno for refusing to step down. Well this was pretty similar, except I don't think this guy owned a car collection or a single decent suit.

My disbelief in Christianity intensified throughout college. I attended a Catholic university in the midwest. You might think this could have been a place of staunch conservatism, but the Jesuits are known for dedication to liberal arts education. I completed a course on Judaism, wherein I noted many discrepancies between the original scriptural intent and modern Christian interpretation. My mom was stunned when I informed her the book of Job was apocryphal. STUNNED. *Note: most Jewish people accept this as fact. The book is meant to be a parable.*

I spent many years away from the church, telling myself I believed in nothing. I think because I was so entirely dismayed by the actions of the Christian church. And also because I truly did not believe the gospel as they taught it. I realize now that I want to believe in something - not buying one pair of shoes doesn't mean I can't wear shoes. I just need to find the ones that fit...